Bowling Together

I don't know if you spent a lot of your college experience going online to take personality quizzes but I sure did. The two favorites freshman year were the OK Cupid dating one and the purity test. The latter subtracted a point for each "unpure" thing you'd done. Back then, at eighteen years of age, one of my friends scored an awe inspiring 99 points. We argued about whether or not going to prom qualified as a date. Had I lost the argument, she would have been the picture of lilly white perfection. Nowadays I'd find it hard to trust anyone who scored less than a fifty-five.

Also, if you know someone who gets a zero on the purity test, you should probably reconsider your friendship because question #100 is "have you ever committed bestiality." I mean, not to judge people's lifestyles or anything but I'm too prude for that. Even by association.

Last week I was listening to David Choe on Howard Stern and it's really something. I mean, I love Choe, am ambivalent about Stern, but the interview is really all kinds of great. His anarchic energy is something I could never deal with in real life -- I'd be so afraid -- but at a voyeuristic distance, it's fascinating. Mainly because I don't understand a single bit of it. And if you want to sample some more Choe, the sixteenth and final episode of his Koreans Gone Badly podcast is two hours of rambling chatter about the porn industry, sex tourism, and all that gooey stuff David and Co. normally talk about. Dirty hands indeed.

I just retook the OK Cupid test because I'm making another friend do it. For most of my twenties I was Last Man on Earth but a few years ago I made the leap up/down to The Manchild. Reading over the descriptions, basically what it says is that I went from a guy who was haphazard, inexperienced, and quite possibly "a dick somewhere down the line and fuck[ed] it all up" to someone who was unthinking, hurtful, and liked seeing bad things happen Pretty accurate.

Today's result was Vapor Trail, which indicates that I've become, at the very least, more experienced in relationships. What that also means is I've had my share of blissful beginnings but things never turn out how I'd like. True and true. The description goes on to explain that my problem is I'm never happy with someone for an extended period of time. Again, true. Why pay for therapy and friends when OK Cupid does all of this for you? I don't really believe in astrology, astronomy, or fortune telling but I'll ride or die with the Dating Persona Test. Especially since it tells me that the Vapor Trail is also "the most likely male type to be haunted by serious regret." Yeah man, sometimes I regret, I do.

The part that I don't get in the Vapor Trail description is this: "Vapor Trails especially need a girl who will laugh at their jokes." Is this true? Females of the world, if you ever feel like laughing at something I say -- even out of pity -- please don't because I need to conduct an experiment. Will my self worth collapse if there is no laugh track in my life? I sure hope not. Nothing is worse than the guy who is always trying to get the chuckles from others. Be sincere already. I don't want to become that guy. Please, don't laugh.

Yesterday night, standing outside the 24-hour coffee shop while the rain drizzled, my friend asked if I liked being single. I couldn't have been more demonstrative with my answer. "Yes!" See, parts of last week was spent helping a friend through her break up process. It reminded me that what I don't miss at all is how being in a relationship can just tank an otherwise perfectly good day. You'll be floating along happily and then a small fight or a tiny thing happens and you're spinning off into disaster.

Not having to deal with that is alone worth staying single for. (That sentence sounds awkward.)