Tell me, have you seen her?

Oftentimes, when we're looking for life updates, we're just looking for a relationship roll call. Who broke up with who? Are they still together? What's the status on that one? I've found that as we get older, the only question that seems to be relevant is: "Are you happy?" What used to be an hour long conversation about the details of a relationship -- the specifics, the feelings, the "what does it mean" -- can all be swept away with a two minute question. If you ain't happy then what else you got?

It's a question I've neglected to ask myself in past relationships. Actually that's not fair. The usual problem is that they're unhappy about something, so thus I'm made unhappy having to deal with it. And thinking of it as "having to deal" is probably an indication of how wrong everything was, mostly me.

Over the past week I've gotten the low down on one engagement, two break ups, one new but old relationship, one budding but likely rebound relationship, and the heads up on another engagement happening soon. Not included in that list are two stories of woe, about near connections but ultimately heartbreak. And I just read about another break up online, which sounds finally final -- unless it isn't.

If you're counting (and I am), that's an almost double digit number of status changes. I feel like that's pretty high, even for an info monger like me. It felt a little like the days before the NBA trade deadline as I was greeted with more exciting news each day. Clearly the time is right for me to launch my personal gossip column. If I didn't fear ostracizing everyone, I'd like to do US Weekly coverage of my entire social world, complete with photos, polls, and lots of unsubstantiated rumors and innuendo.

Not to mention, I've recently taken on the task of co-running a friend's dating profile. After writing her summary, updating her photos, and answering some generic questions, I delved into her messages box. I'll say this: "Guys are gross." I now have a better understanding of why any semi well composed message stands out and why women have to turn a blind eye toward all the nasties online. Also, please tell me if "Hey Gorgeous" is an acceptable greeting. I somehow can't imagine it works but maybe it does?

As I'm screening dudes, there's been a few guys that have potential, as they seem to be nice and smart, but the problem is, I know my friend won't think they're cute. Hell, I don't even think they're cute. I want to tell my friend to take a chance on one of them but I know that it probably won't work. You can't overcome physical attraction and pheromones right? Lately I've been convinced that chemistry is undeniable if you have it and impossible to acquire if you don't.

You can meet someone for an hour and recognize that there's something, or you can try to slog through nothing for weeks only to be ultimately repelled. Then again, dating stuff never makes sense. People get together for all sorts of reasons; trying to understand it is an exercise in futility. I better just keep my friend's options open. She did request a date for Saturday night and I'm nothing if not dedicated to stories of success. Actually, nowadays the first thing we do when we find out about a new relationship is to make a bet as to how long it'll last. I'm not sure if that's cynical or amusing.

[Update] That engagement I mentioned soon to happen happened. And then another one I just found out about. Three in one week!

I've been on a Jason Mraz kick this week as Ameer has provided me with a lot of his stuff that I'd lost. The man is a lyrical genius. Actually I shouldn't qualify that. He's just a genius. If I had Mraz's way with words, the world would be mine.

"Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some"
-Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours"-

Fatherhood, revisited

"There's an old Chinese saying, san sui kan lao, which translates as 'you can see a child's adulthood from age three' -- one's character and personality traits are set, as is the route of one's destiny. Japan has a saying that reflects a similar tradition: Mitsugo no tamashii hyaku made, which literally means 'A soul of three years old continues until 100 years old,' or figuratively, 'What is learned in the cradle is carried to the grave.'"
-Jeff Yang-

Tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this

My friend was talking to me about how she was surprised to find that she felt a lack of forward motion in her life without work. And another friend talked about how much he realized his self worth is attached to the notion of having a traditional (respected) job. Having no familiarity to either of these two mindsets, I was curious how self esteem in a career can bleed over to so many other aspects of a person's potential happiness.

My happiness and esteem aren't tied to doing anything work related at all, which is ironic considering I'm such a fan of Rand, who espouses productivity. In fact, the entire crux of her philosophy is separating out the men (and women) who achieve versus the second handers who leech onto them. I guess if you take a fuller look at what Rand meant by productivity, there's more nuance, but it can hardly be argued by my defenders -- you exist right? -- that I'm been productive by any definition of the word.

"It means the consciously chosen pursuit of a productive career, in any line of rational endeavor, great or modest, on any level of ability. It is not the degree of a man's ability nor the scale of his work that is ethically relevant here, but the fullest and most purposeful use of his mind."

That calls into question exactly what my self worth is tied into. Acceptance? It's not possessions. It's not looks. It's not romantic relationships. It's not really family. Friends certainly but in conglomeration and not individuals. Status? Achievements? Obviously everyone is a combination of all the above, but what would be that one thing that takes up the majority of it? For one friend, and maybe for a lot of my friends, it's work.

For me it's _______.

I talked to Eric online the other night and he was telling me about the songs he's been putting out. After last year's Comic Con, we compared some notes on creative projects and things to focus on. I love talking to Eric because he's always interested in process and motivation. Somewhere in there I told him that I think what separates a lot of people in creative pursuits is simply having produced something. The one thing I'm learning from my writing life is that if you got nothing to show, you got nothing to edit/sell/promote/work on.

Since that conversation, Eric told me that he's been setting aside time to write each week and has kicked out almost a hundred songs since. That's inspiring. And complaining about not having enough time shouldn't be a viable excuse for anyone. I mean, the man has a family and four kids, he's got more responsibility and less time than anyone I know.

I recently have invented a billion excuses to not write. The desk feels weird, the monitor feels cramped, my eyes are strained. Well, that period will be over. I need some grist in the mill to get the grind on. I have no idea what that really means, "get the grind on," but it feels appropriate.

Abnormal sleep patterns do not cause headaches

This weekend I was both a night owl and a morning person. And it felt great.

Friday: Woke up at 6pm, drove to LA at 8:30pm. Stayed up until 5am playing Rock Band.
Saturday: Woke up at 8 for basketball. Took a two hour nap mid day, stayed up until 5am chatting.
Sunday: Woke up at 3pm, headed out for lunch/dinner. Slept from 7-9pm. Stayed up until 2am.
Monday: Woke up at 5:30 am, drove to another part of LA. Napped for two hours. Drove home to San Diego after lunch. Slept at 10pm after a flurry of online excitement. Back to wide awake at 2:54 am, aka now.

Average hours of sleep per night: 9 hours.

Conclusion: I sleep a lot even when I don't sleep a lot.

The clock’s tickin’, I just count the hours

In talking with my many single female friends, they often say that there are no quality guys around for them to date. I scoff at the idea of course, as there seem to be plenty of available men around, especially in a place like New York or San Francisco. Less so in SF perhaps, as I broke down the cities' single demographics to a friend recently, but certainly in a city of eight million like New York, there are tons of eligible bachelors roaming the streets right? Well, this recent Wall Street Journal article, "Where Have the Good Men Gone?" pretty much explains it succintly. Guys in their late twenties and early thirties are really adolescents and there's hardly anything relationship worthy about that -- regardless of where you live. I mean, if I were a woman trying to date seriously right now, there probably aren't a lot of options that don't fall into the "already taken, nice but boring, asshole clown, non-committal, lost in life, or simply unprepared" in the males of my age group. The sacrifice then is to date someone older or younger, with all the perceived and attached disadvantages of either in play.

I am concerned.

As one of my New Year's declarations, I decided to be more forthright with my opinions on other people's relationships. In practice it's not been very easy. I mean, who the hell wants to be the one to burst someone's bubble? And having seen a few budding relationships take off over the past few months, I'm reminded of how genuinely exciting a new romance can be -- even if it's not "right." I myself am prone to be swept up in the fun of it all, living vicariously through someone elses' shared holiday plans, or Valentine's Day outtings, and asking questions about the state of their union. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for two people to just declare marriage to each other without really knowing each other. Knowing seems to be a little overrated. With time, mostly you just gain a bigger collection of undateable quirks and issues with the other person. Given the choice, it might be easier to just pick someone and wing it as you go.

That seems dangerous yet exciting.