So here's the thing. Wanting something hard enough doesn't mean you get it. I mean, everyone knows that. Or we learn it eventually. Still, there persists a notion that wanting something creates the motivation and drive to achieve something -- almost anything. This is a remnant of our optimistic upbringings right? I mean, if you had one of those. I think most of growing up is learning to live with things you won't be getting. A slow accumulations of "no's" until you find the "yes's" that make you happy. Alternately you could just keep looking and never be happy. Which sounds like option too.
My friend said that I seem to always just do what I want. That I only do what I want. Responsibilities, the "right" thing, peer pressure, it's all generally sloughed off me and took a distant second to my own wishes. I argued that this made me extremely weak willed, as I was unable to resist being wholly selfish. But even the words I chose to use in talking about this, like "subjugate (my own desires for something else)" made it seem like I was so proud of this so-called weakness.
The same friend argued that doing what you want is in fact possibly a strength, as there's always people and things pushing you to do something else. I didn't agree at all. Anyone can do what they feel like, it's the balancing of should and would that makes you strong. Or at least mature.
In this past week's Mad Men, Peggy leaves SCDP in an emotionally wrenching scene with Don. Peggy has been my favorite character on the show and facing her (possibly) diminished role was just too much to bear. Coincidentally, earlier that day I was leaving a partnership of my own. It wasn't exactly easy, or timely, but like Peggy, I felt like I knew the right thing to do, even if it totally sucked. Or was difficult.
A friend also told me that she doesn't believe in "can't," only "won't." If that's true, then there's simply things I won't do. I say "can't" because it sounds like something out of my control -- like I can't climb palm trees or breathe underwater. But I guess if you do get right down to it, it is a matter of "won't." It's really a luxury, to even conceive of these things. Most of the time you don't have a choice about it.
Embracing what you will and won't do is also part of maturity right? What I don't get is why it's always framed that way. Some things you just won't be, even if you try hard at it. Then again, in my twenties, I believed that anyone could be anything, as long as they tried hard and worked at it. If you want to be a good person, you just became that. End of discussion.
"Please may Oliver be excused from class. His tiny heart is broken."
-Submarine-
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