Years ago, three of my good friends went on a road trip to Utah and Arizona. They were going to camp, hike, and take in the sights. After initially being considered their fourth, I was dis-invited. They could not fathom how an indoor loving, dirt hating, physically frail person such as me could survive the rigors of their upcoming trip. Now I must use this forum to set the record straight.I have camped before. Successfully.
I have carried a hiking backpack through the wilderness to a clearing, made a tent, and then slept there dirty and unwashed for a day or two. I've rowed a boat through the water and then slept on the sand as wild pigs ran over us in the morning. I have snow shoed across endless terrain until I got sick (ok, maybe I feigned sickness to skip the next day). I have lived on a house boat for ten days while digging holes on the shore for our feces. I have slept in huts, hammocks, and bare ground. I have been places where there was no electricity and Wifi. Yes, most of these experiences were more than ten years ago -- thus violating my "If you did it over ten years ago then it doesn't count" rule -- but they were done.
Admittedly, I generally avoid physical exertion but if the end result is worth it, I'm willing to do it. Which brings me to my next point. The whole idea that the harder you work to get somewhere, the more valuable the experience, that's entirely bunk. Applied to hiking, this is the idea that if you go twenty miles through the wild, the picturesque scene at the end will be worth more. Bullshit I say! If there's an easy tram around, I'd rather just take that. What would motivate me to get to the top of a mountain isn't a sight that I could easily see elsewhere, but something actually valuable. Like ice cream.
When I'm made hiking captain of the world, I'd install ice cream and Jamba Juices at the end of every trail. "But that would ruin nature!" What's ruining nature is two million people crunching through this man-made trail buddy, just shut up and hand me a spoon.
As we ascended near the top of one of Zion's mountains, we asked people coming down if going all the way was worth it. Generally their answer was that the sight was okay but nothing particularly amazing. "There's an unimpeded view of the canyon but you can also just see it from much lower. It's about the same." I know this missing pot of gold doesn't hold true for all hikes but if you handed out gelato and sorbet at the top, that would instantly make everyone motivated to keep climbing. At some portions of the Great Wall, you can toboggan down to the bottom after hiking up. I'd install these too, but change the toboggans to water slides. Why not think outside the box a little? I could make hiking so much better.
Also, I must put on record my aversion to pretty sights. While Leslie was gushing and awestruck at every moment by the majestic beauty of Zion, I found myself uninspired by anything that I saw. "The forests in Yosemite are nicer. The rocks here are interesting but not that great. Where are the mountain goats?" ran my inner monologue. When we got to some water advertised as "pools," they were more like dribbling streams and tepid ponds. Yippee.
At one stop, a woman was posing on the rocks as if she were an aspiring Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Another guy, a young foreigner, was high up, sitting barefoot, smoking a cigarette, and looking pensive. I guess the clicheness of what people do in nature gets to me. Yes it's pretty. Yes it's unbelievable God put this here just for us. Yes it's amazing we get to live on this amazing Earth. Yes it's nice and we can share a moment. But overall I'm unmoved by views without some context.
I think I'm generally more interested in the science of nature than actual nature itself. Like how did these rocks come to be these striated colors? What's the topography like? Are these plants native or imported? Who settled this area? Is this a good place to hide from mountain lions? Just looking at something pretty does nothing for me. (Unless it's the ocean, then it does everything for me.) I also prefer exploring versus "hiking." I'd rather just walk around and see where I end up as opposed to going toward a destination. The destinations tend to disappoint unless there's a deep pool I can dive into or something.
In related news, Leslie is out at Bryce Canyon National Park today while I'm at the motel sucking up Wifi. My Google Reader proved to be more enticing than different but the same rock formations. For the record, Zion is beautiful though, and gorgeous, if you listen to Leslie versus my Negative Nelly soundtrack.
"Which reminds me: we were driving home yesterday and the person I was with asked if I liked to travel. I said no, I didn't like traveling. She looked at me like she was seeing me for the first time. We were climbing a hill. Everybody likes to travel, it seems. If you read the personal ads almost everyone mentions traveling. The only thing more popular than traveling is hiking. So I amended it slightly. I said, I like going places with people I care about. She said she liked seeing things she'd never seen before. I could see where this was all headed."
-Excerpted from Stephen Elliot's Daily Rumpus-
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