Never Never Lands

We're back, alive and well from our European vacation. The good news is that my gold star travel buddy reputation has been burnished and I'm awaiting a Yelp-ish review about the whole bit. "Safe to take overseas! I'd do it with Jon again in a heartbeat! Don't hesitate to make a reservation!"

The bad news is that I was chided for being too agreeable. "Don't you have a damn opinion? I know you do! Say something!" My advance strategy to be the quiet voice of optimism failed because my travel mates have known me for too many years, and too well, to think that a lack of verbal negativity meant I wasn't stewing up judgements on the inside. They called my bluff and didn't want anything to do with my false enthusiasm. "Just tell us what you want to do, you're being annoying." Like I said, a four star review is forthcoming.

I think I owe the world, and my future self, a thorough documentation of our two week long exploits. Luckily I won't actually subject anyone to the details since there's nothing worse than an "I did this, I saw this, I loved this" post. Still, the afterglow of the vacation is settling in and I can't help but share my joy with you that I was on vacation while you likely were not. Take that, take that.

That last statement was brought to you by one of my travel friends, who didn't want to aggressively update her online life out of fear that her co-workers would get slightly jealous. For reasons I don't fully understand, people hate on other people for traveling far and wide while they're stuck in an office. I say more power to the people who can get away, more power to the ones who can skip outta town.

A condensed version of our trip exists in photo and video form. I'd recommend the video version because the slideshow track is Miike Snow's "A Song for No One," which is wildly appropriate because despite pre-buying tickets to their show in London, we missed the entire thing.

Friday night, as we exited the Tube and headed toward the theater, a crowd of edgy and fashion forward London kids went streaming by. This wouldn't have worried us except they were all coming toward us, as we were the only people wading upstream. Not a good sign. The tickets said doors open at seven so we figured it would be safe to arrive around ten. Running just a little late, we got to Camden Town and found the concert doors wide open and the event concluded. Miike Snow had appeared on-stage at nine. Bands never start when they're supposed to Stateside, especially on a weekend. We used our American brains to assume British conventions.

To add injury to the whole experience, a web show was using Flip cameras to interview concert goers. "Hello, how was the show? Would you mind telling us about your experience?" she said in a beautiful accent.

My companions and I looked at each other. I was willing to just pepper the air with platitudes, anything for a chance at air time. Before I could answer, Ameer admitted, "We missed the concert." Camera off, look of sadness from the previously beaming hostess.

"I'm sorry. It was really amazing. They were amazing. And such a great venue too. You guys should really come back." Thanks lady, we're here for another thirty hours, of course we'll be back. But that was the worst thing that happened on the entire trip. Everything went swimmingly, we encountered gorgeous weather everywhere we went, and we each took two to three showers a day, depending on the activities lined up. I had never been so clean and yet so dirty at the same time.

Brief notes on the cities we hit up.

[London]

Most of the major "take a picture here" attractions can be hit up in an afternoon of walking, mainly around the Square Mile. The Tower of London, London Bridge, Millenium Bridge, St. Paul's Cathedral can all be easily accessed. To my infinite disappointment, Westminster Abbey was closed when we visited. Big Ben is good for a quick snap or two but otherwise it just hangs out in the background. I'd only go on the London Eye at gun point, or blackmailed. Of the musuems, the Tate Modern stuck out for having gads of famous pieces. The British Museum houses all of England's stolen cultural treasures, but the main lobby is architecturally kind of cool.

Avoid Piccadilly Square at all costs as it's overrun by tourists and looks trash infested. Trafalgar Square is far nicer. Nothing gets the hip hop club bouncing like La Bamba followed up by Mambo No. 5. Express trams to local airports not named Heathrow are easy and convenient. Delicious digestive biscuits and Magnum ice cream bars are my dream diet. If I had a Top Shop near me I'd be so much better dressed. This is a paparazzi photo of me emerging from a fish and chip shop, run by a Cantonese proprieter and thus overwhelmingly authentic. England, I speak the language and that's always a bonus.

[Amsterdam]

Everyone speaks English here too, which they start learning at a young age. If you don't know the difference between Netherlands, Dutch, Danish, Denmark, Holland, you should probably watch the World Cup. The Red Light District and cannabis clubs are for noobs. To rent a display box, not even a high traffic one, costs about 200 euro a day. A generic suck and fuck (or was it the other way around?) costs fifty euro. You do the math. The Asian food is excellent here, and Indonesian food is the adopted cuisine of the Dutch. The Anne Frank Museum actually sells VHS video tours alongside DVDs. The VHS copies are two euros more. I'd pay quadruple quadrople that much to have that hour of my life back. I hear the Dutch Resistance Museum is far better. Take a bike tour through Amsterdam, it's not only beautiful, but slightly dangerous dodging in and out of traffic, and childishly thrilling. The canal ride, by contrast, is comparable to the Disneyland tram for excitement.

The progressive attitude and laid back atmosphere of Amsterdam won me over. It's the literal whore with a heart of gold city. And they have quite the interesting history and politics and policies, which is lovingly explained to you on Mike's Bike Tours, which we highly recommend. While there are few minorities to be found, I felt comfortable even when faced with the occasional "ching chong ching" commentary. Hey, when in the Netherlands right?

[Barcelona]

My beloved city. I've been saying I would move here above any other city for a good decade now. After another few days there I've shelved that dream. My problem? The language barrier. I don't speak Spanish, few people speak English. I could learn Spanish but I have only so few brain cells left to go around. There is almost nothing I don't like about Barcelona, barring its lack of Asian food. I love the Gaudi, the art, the open space, the old town corridors, the beach, the lifestyle and the siesta. Oh how I love the siesta and arriving at a club at two in the morning knowing nothing will close.

Our big night out in Barcelona involved getting dropped off where all the touristy folk go clubbing. Instead we found a strip of raucous techno and salsa bars that basically reeked of Tijuana. Every club tried to rope you in with free shots. Most of them were worth five minutes of your time. The clientele was lower to lowest class. We about gave up after an hour until we happened to walk two blocks over and found the mega dance clubs. Never have I been so relieved to see douchebags lined up to go inside. Whew. After nearly being kept out due to my cartilage piercing (the guy ahead of us was rejected because of his hair style), we danced the night away at some one syllable name. The girls met some Italian rugby players and were picked up and thrown around, perhaps to the beat. That ended when George was faced with the wife of one the players. "That's my husband," she informed, probably jabbing a well manicured finger at my poor defenseless sister.

I was nowhere to be found; I was dancing remember?

One note about dancing/clubbing in other countries: It's all the same old shit. Same songs, same stereotypes, same everything. If you've been to one over/under crowded club you've been to them all. What is different is McDonald's, I make it a point to hit up at least one in every city.

Over-enthusiasm over, back to regularly schedule griping now that I'm back in the US. Aren't you excited?