Do You Hear the People Sing?

For my dad’s American service, some of his friends got together and made a little booklet of photos and essays and nice things about him. It was printed up and bound and distributed at the funeral. The majority of it’s in Chinese and even after six months of intense Mandarin study in Taiwan, I still can’t read any of it. If I were a different person, that would be a goal. To one day be able to read through this thing. I mean, there’s got to be a lot of anecdotes and stories in there, stuff I’d never hear anywhere else right?

Actually, from what I can gather, 90% of the memories and essays are about golf. My dad was quite the prolific golfer and had a hand in starting the Lower Handicap Golf Club — San Diego’s premier Chinese golf club, I’m certain — serving as its first president. Basically that’s why everyone in the community knew who he was. Most of the English words in these essays are a reference to a particular golf course or stuff like “double bogey, pitching, driver, greens.” There’s also score sheets I think, some possibly in my dad’s own hand.

(There’s also something in there about my mom and “surprise” being yelled out but again, I can’t read enough of it to figure out what the surprise was. My name wasn’t in that piece so clearly it’s not a “surprise, your son dropped out of school” story or anything.)

Also, there’s a page whose lone English word is “newsletter.” That made me recall that my dad used to write newsletters for the LHGC. I mean, I think he did. Well, I’m sure he did, because that’s the kind of thing he would do. Just like I keep overly detailed blogs for my fantasy leagues… I think we both just kind of like community and connecting, although he was more of a showman than I was. By a long shot. He was good with jokes and stories and seemed like he liked being on stage or performing.

Anyway, it’s fitting that this is coming in newsletter format. Unsubscribe at your leisure!

I saw on Facebook that a friend’s father passed away. My general rule of thumb about that kind of thing is to not say anything until I see them. Like I did with a friend in San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I knew that her dad has passed away but didn’t want to bring it up until I was there, face to face.

I think coming from my perspective, it just seems like the last thing you’d want to do during that time is answer a whole bunch of condolence messages. Even just responding with “thanks” can seem like a burden. At least it would seem like that to me.

My friend in Taiwan, about a month ago, was sitting bedside by her friend (really, more a friend of a friend) when she suddenly passed away. Throughout the ensuing week or so of chaos, my friend took it upon herself to see to the arrangements. Like telling everyone what had happened (nobody really knew, as she had been in the hospital the previous day under observation and testing), reaching out to the family overseas (whom the girl had not been communicating with for years), and then organizing a donation campaign to cover costs. I guess that’s one of the perils of living in a foreign country without health insurance or your family/people around.

Anyway, my friend went through an unbelievable amount of shit that week, both physical, emotional, and spiritual. She broke down in tears multiple times, she sort of had her own life blow apart for a moment, it was kind of a mess, but through it all she was simultaneously so strong and so generous throughout. I know I couldn’t have done it. Be that helpful and generous. I would have been like “this is for her family (estranged or not) to take care of.” And ran out of there.

I want to reach out to my friend, the one whose dad passed away, to tell her that I know, and to offer up an ear if necessary, but I also don’t because I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it then. (Or would it be a nice gesture just to send a quick message, perhaps with a “no need to reply” line attached.) Even with my closer friends who have recently experienced parental losses, I haven’t really reached out beyond a quick text. What else is there to say sometimes you know? And I feel like it would be annoying to have to go through the next questions, which starts invariably with “What happened?”

Along the same lines, I had a really good friend who told me somewhat recently that her infant passed away. Just suddenly, in his sleep. Sure, loss is loss but that’s an incomparable loss right? I didn’t know what to say to her because “sorry,” while necessary, didn’t seem to mean much/enough.

In related news: People who put personal news on someone’s Facebook wall ahead of them actually announcing things themselves… Like wow, really? People do dumb shit.

[Cross posted from my Tiny Letter]