Funky For You

I hate silence. It doesn't work for me. Yet I often find myself surrounded by silent people. This is a problem. In this article, "On Shutting Up," the author says that he used to think "awkward people beget awkward silences." Um, isn't this what silences are? Awkwardness? The article concludes with the sentiment that maybe silence is a beautiful thing. However I'll go ahead and contend that no, it is not a beautiful thing.

Perhaps it's anxiety. I'd never thought about it that way. Are silent people less anxious about social situations because they just don't care about the dead space in-between? Don't they see how boring they are? Why are you taking up this wonderful seat across from me if you're just going to sit there like an inanimate object? Nothing is worse than someone who insists on being in the middle yet contributes nothing. We used to have a term for this. I forgot what it was.

Hum, this might be a corollary to my 2011 declaration about attempting to talk to non-talkative guys. Sometimes I'll play a game where I resolve to not say anything until the other person does. Most of the time I lose. I can't handle the silence!

Next social event I'm going to just sit there and not saying. Actually wait, I've done this before. At horrible wedding dinners. Actually have I ever been to a wedding where the wedding dinner was enjoyable? With strangers I mean. I don't think so. Nobody is invested to talk to anyone around them because you'll never see each other again and really, you're just a table of one-offs. Then I just put my head down and eat my food and wait for the coffee to arrive. And I go wash my hands a lot.

Forget it. The move is just to pull out my iPhone next time and play a podcast. That will be a statement. "I'm comfortable with silence, very comfortable."

"Before virtually every social encounter I have, I anticipate the conversation rather obsessively. What should or shouldn’t I ask this person? What might they like to know about me? Do I come off as cocky, naïve, or neurotic? (Probably.) It’s both exciting and unnerving, because I feel as though I arrive prepared. But I’m also left disappointed when an encounter falls flat. In overthinking the encounter, I leave no room to be surprised."
-On Shutting Up-

Actually I'm not that fond of chatterboxes either. I guess it's just the lesser of two evils. Here's the rule of thumb to determine if people call you a Chatty Kathy behind your back: are you entertaining? Some people have a lot to say but because of the way they do it, it's boring as all hell. They could tell me about their incredible Mars landing and how they got to meet aliens there and back. Boring.

Other people will talk about their day but put just the right spin on things to make it amusing and worth the time. Please, when in doubt, opt to be amusing. Or silent.