Cure for the Common _______

Before leaving New York, my aunt took me to her Chinese masseuse in Queens. After sitting and holding my wrist for a few minutes, he asked if I did or had any of the following: stayed up late, didn't eat regularly, got dry eyes often, slept a lot, worked as a programmer. Of course I answered "yes" to every single one, except the last question.

What he diagnosed was that my heart was weak, like it didn't pump hard enough or something. His suggestion was that I regulate my sleep pattern, go to bed before midnight (as eleven to one is a crucial time for the body to heal), eat a hearty breakfast, and partake in exercise that gets my pulse racing. Then he showed me a simple set of moves roughly translated as "the breaching turtle." I'm to do this twenty seven times a day and I'll feel much better in a few months. I'm going to give it a go because what else do I have to lose?

He used a lot of Mandarin terms I didn't understand and I'd say I missed fifty percent of what he was trying to tell me. Of course, everything he said is about 100% in line with what my mom tells me every day so I could probably fill in the gaps. For a moment I thought there was some conspiracy between my mom and this doctor about admonishing my lifestyle. But that could not be so as she's in Taiwan.

Most Chinese doctors I've seen are very traditional, and I don't know how seriously to take what they say. I mean, I believe in Chinese medicine and techniques, but there usually isn't a whole lot of room for individuality. What if some people are just night people? What if some people can drink cold things in the morning just fine? What if every human body is different?

Then again, as I'm getting older, I realize that my way of doing things could be flawed and there could be reasons why these Chinese health biases have lasted so long. I'm still trying to figure out if I can get to bed earlier -- probably impossible -- but at the very least I'll try to eat some breakfast or something when I wake up. Gotta go stock up on that congee, youtiao, and soy milk!

"Also known as 'deep-fried devils,' [youtiao] are twisted strips of dough -- approximately twelve inches long -- that have been deep-fried in oil. Their nickname, 'deep-fried devils,' is derived from ancient legend. During the time of Confucius, a government official falsely accused Yueh Fei, a famous scholar and poet, of treason. Yueh Fei was subsequently put to death. The Chinese name for the dish, 'Yu Za Kuei' translates literally into deep-fried devils. Frying the crullers in oil symbolizes the government official and everyone who participated in the scheme being deep-fried in oil for eternity."

Along with the health advice, the doctor told me that I should marry Chinese because, well, I didn't understand what his reasoning was. Like I literally didn't understand the words he was using. Did he say that non-Chinese women were crazy, disrespectful, weird? I have no idea. He could have been complimentary for all I know. I'm hoping after a few of these breaching turtle moves that my heart will not only pump stronger but I'll have clearer insight into dating too. Chinese medicine really is holistic!