ASM Seeking M

Right now: Munching on pre-packaged chicken nuggets that took two minutes to microwave. I'm a grown ass man with twelve year old eating habits. I'd like to one day graph out how mature people are based on their diets. The results could be revealing.

I've talked to people around me recently about how hard it's been to meet new guy friends. Don't get me wrong, I have some guy friends here, but what I have been missing in New York is "dudes." Wait, I don't even like dudes, so scratch that. Regardless, meeting new guy friends is always difficult. Recently I've been hanging out with this friend of a friend who's this quiet, tall, and unassuming guy. He's like right up my guy friend alley. Conversational, interesting, and in this particular case, ridiculously talented.

The last time I felt this way about someone was like three years ago, when my friend and I spent a few weeks in New York having guy time and like you know, bonding male-style. The time before that was almost six years ago. At that rate, I average three new guy friends each decade. There's a reason "I Love You, Man" was made into a movie. Man crushes are hard to find, especially for me. I mean, my qualifications basically eliminate 85% of most guys right off the bat.

For example: Do you have strange insecurities that make you a douchebag? Do you wear hats that are douchebaggy? Are you pretentious or annoying and not in a good way? Do you have hidden insecurities that we can't talk about or poke into? Are you smart or at least inquisitive about the world, even as it doesn't specifically relate to you? Are you verbally disrespectful of women? Do you grope girls when you're drunk? Do you not know how to hold up your end of a conversation? Are you comfortable and in touch with your feminine side -- and not offended if you're called "effeminate?" Do you have skills that I admire and envy? Would I feel (mostly) comfortable pawning you off to all my female friends and telling them, "you should totally date him because he's awesome!"

If a guy demonstrates the wrong answer to any of these questions, they're out. Of course, if they are extremely good at basketball, video games, or super into comic books, most of these rules can be bent. I would probably hang out with Ben Roethlisberger if I could toss alley oops to him all the time. Basically if Blake Griffin disparaged my MP3 collection, pissed on the Sound of Music, made passes at all my female friends, and only talked in the third person about his own person, I'd still make him a top five guy friend just to be his Baron Davis on the playground.

I'm shallow, what can I say.